HB/LB Mini #4

Gross Out ​​🤝 Zen Out

Hi Girliepop,

Here with a little nibble of a newsletter for ya 😘

Listen, idk about you and your vibrations, but I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle to keep my heart rate normal these days. Random vibes!

In an effort to lean into healthier(ish) habits, I’ve been trying to say HOT-TO-NO 🙅🏾‍♀️ to putting intoxicants into my body and instead, saying THAT’S THAT OUI YESPRESSO ☕ to bombarding my brain with a very curated selection of media.

So in the spirit of giving, I present to you a list of videos that I like to watch when the cortisol is hitting just a little too good. This is for those times when you just need that pesky little overactive brain of yours to go smooth mode. But here’s the catch…

All the videos are GROSS.

And the further down you scroll, the more fucked up the videos are gonna get. Like, there’s a point when we’re gonna turn into medical practice territory and we’re just not gonna turn back. You have been warned.

Godspeed on your journey, soldier. May God have mercy on your souls.

#1 Fish Butchery

Ngl, we’re starting off pretty gross already, BUT gross for the sake of ~education~. Meet Masaru, a crazy man. Crazy about sea life, crazy about butchery, and crazy about sourcing the craziest aquatic creatures and slicing them up, crazily.

What do you know about the Napoleon fish? Did you know that their blood is blue? And that their bile is brat green? Well, you would know that if you watched Masaru’s extensive breakdown of this massive, 130lb fish. And you know what goes extra hard? My boy Masaru’s curiosity doesn’t stop with just cutting sealife open and playing around with their organs. He wants to know if the shit is tasty too. Yeah, that’s right. He’s eating these little freaks of the sea. Turns out, boiling Napoleon fish is pretty unappetizing … but as expected, deep frying covers all sins.

Does your version of relaxation look like watching a guy trying to shove an alligator penis back into its body so he can finish skinning the nearly 10ft long carcass? Well then, Masaru is absolutely your guy.

#2 Hoof Trimming

Ok, we’re approaching the edge of “medical material,” so… you’ve been warned. Yeah, there are 3 levels grosser than skinned alligator penis, SORRY. Let’s journey on to the beautiful, disgusting world of hoof trimming.

Turns out, many of our domesticated hoofed friends need to receive regular pedicures in order to stay happy, healthy, and productive (me too, diva!) If not treated properly, hoofs are prone to cracking, splitting, and gnarly infections. It’s also not uncommon for an animal to get some kind of foreign object lodged all up in their crevasses. And the abscesses that result from that are *muah* delish.

You wanna know how I like to unwind after a long day? Show me a Scottish guy cutting away at an infected hoof until reddish-brown liquid oozes out of it like the lava center of a Chili’s Molten Chocolate Cake. It hits every single time.

#3 Blackhead Extraction

Okay, not to be Daniel Day-Lewis, but we’re at the part where there will be blood. Alas, that also happens to be part of the joy. Some of us see the puss and dirt and oil ooze out of a pore and have never felt more at peace.

Well, a lot of us, actually. I mean, hello, there’s a whole TLC show dedicated to this audience.

But for me, personally??? I don’t want all that jibber-jabber and backstory and bla bla bla. I want an anonymous patch of skin, a pair of confident hands, and a Hubble Telescope of a zoom lens. Go on, do it how I like it. Poke it. Squeeze it. Let the sebum build up on your gloves. Set it all to spa music. That’s it. That’s the good shit. That’s that oui yespresso (is this catching on yet?)

#4 Just Podiatry

Wow, look at you. You made it to the boss level. You have nerves of steel. And a trooper like you deserves the best of the worst. You’re looking for a total shock to your system. Something to totally assault your senses. Dermatology was child’s play. You're ready to graduate to something grosser. You’re ready for: Podiatry.

You little foot freak. Don’t hide in shame. Come join us, your real family. Behold the horrors/wonders of foot medicine. I’m talking calluses, corns, ingrown nails. Oozing, clipping, shaving, bleeding – these little piggies got it all.

Go ahead, watch a podiatrist treat an infected wart. Pull up that video on the big TV. You’ll be launched so far outside your body, you won’t even be able to remember your own name. Your primordial brain is in charge now. Give in. Let the pus wash over you. This is what nirvana feels like.

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Phew, we made it through! Jesus, is anyone else sweating? I don’t think I was supposed to watch all of those in one sitting.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my little sampler of stress-relief media. Did you make it to the final level? Do you disagree with how I’ve ordered the list? Go absolutely OFF in the comments! Fight! Fight! Fight! Or just lmk what makes your brain feel nice and smooth.

Until next time, bbs ✌🏾

xoxo,

Simone